Divorce - What's waiting for you after the emotions and feeling of failure subside

Last night I "accidentally" sat at a table with a woman who is leading a DivorceCare class .  With her was a woman who is going through a divorce with someone she spent 25 years with.  I sat at the table because one of the Pastors I work with was sitting there and I was looking for someone.  He quickly introduced me to these two ladies and explained to them that I too have gone through divorce and knows what it feels like.

The one woman going through the divorce mentioned how she wakes up thinking about the divorce and goes to sleep with it thinking about it.  She explained how she felt like a failure and she is struggling with what her part was in the whole scenario.I shared a little (and it really was just a small tidbit) of my experience.  I shared with her that on the other side of this divorce is a miracle.  I look back and I can unquestionably identify my greatest spiritual growth during these horrible times of grief.  I told her that she may have been a part of the failure, just repent that she may have and move past that asking God to renew her and show her the parts of her that need to be change.  We have to get right with God and then accept the forgiveness and not carry it around with us.  This is the part I didn't know about which is why I continued on a path of self destruction.  I carried around guilt and shame which made me care nothing about my character.  I felt defeated more often than anything else.

My Story
You see I've been divorced two times not just once.  The first divorce was from the man I thought I would live my entire life.  He had been my hero since the time I was 16.  It was devastating when it ended.  I prompted the ending because emotionally I couldn't handle being in the marriage any longer.  Emotionally I was so empty and had felt so much rejection and had given him so much power over my feelings and allowed his words/actions to define me.  You see, I didn't know Jesus intimately, I didn't know what the Word said about how important I was to God.  I made my husband God.  This wasn't fair to him and it was just a setup for failure for me to be disappointed.  His opinion of me, his actions towards me all defined my mental state.  I was defined by him emotionally.  Looking back, I realize he was just as insecure as I was so you can imagine the roller coaster ride of that marriage.  We were together for 5 years when I left.  I remember driving up to our apartment, seeing his car and having a physical sick reaction immediately at knowing I would be facing him.  If I knew what I know now, that who I am is not how people treat me or what people say about me but what the Word of God says about me, I'm quite sure we would still be married and we would of worked through our problems.

My 2nd marriage was more about immigration than love.  The grief and devastation of my 1st marriage set me in a motion of self destruction and a feeling of total unworthiness of which I went out and found men who would validate that unworthiness for the next 7 years!  I was having sexual relations with a younger man from another country and got pregnant!  I was 29 years old, pregnant and living out in the country completing avoiding the real world.  This pregnancy is what changed everything for me.  I decided to carry out the pregnancy (in a step of faith due to supernatural events I will explain in another blog story) and my son, Jacob was born.  A year later, his father and I decided to get married due to changes in immigration laws (he was illegal). Sadly my attitude towards marriage at this time was "if it doesn't work out, we'll just divorce", Yes, I remember having that actual thought.   I wanted my son to have a chance at knowing his father though.  The joke was on me though because 2 1/2 year later I came home to having all my husbands belongings removed with no note or anything.  He chose alcohol over his family.  I thought, "Wow, I really MUST be a loser to not even know how to keep an alcoholic happy."  It was this event which was the spark that lit the fire in my heart to seek God with a relentless attitude.  To understand who I am in Christ and what that means.  I kept hearing it, but didn't understand it.  It took me another 5 years of pursuing God and studying His word (and another horrible horrible boyfriend) before I finally was restored enough to enter into a relationship I felt God had set up exactly for me.

I don't dwell on my failures because God has since honored me with a wonderful marriage and children.   Yes, I made mistakes, I failed, but I agreed with God this was never His plan for me and I finally surrendered everything to Him and let Him lead me.  My greatest fear became about doing what "WASN'T" His plan.  I had enough train wrecks, I wanted to experience the fullness of God. I'm sure that God would of honored the first marriage with children and happiness had I been pursuing righteousness and not trying to escape emotional hell every day, however the most important thing that I did was continue to pursue His Word and praying without ceasing and eventually - I got it!

The difference between my current marriage and the others??  Not the person.  I'm married to a more complex man today than my first two husbands although he is a gem.  Here's what I have done right: 1) I waited and trusted God to tell me who He wanted me to be with 2) I continue to seek, read, study and pray about being healthy emotionally and to keep God on the pedestal not my husband; 3) I have discovered who I am in Christ as a result of prayer and study; 4) I have learned to LOVE above all things and how unimportant pride and principle is.  I've learned to LOVE myself first and to know that God wants the best for me event though I've been a major mess up.  He still loves me and still wants me to have life and have it abundantly.  I accepted his forgiveness and I don't carry guilt and shame around with me, I left it at the foot of the cross.

Save your marriage if possible
I want you to know that if you can salvage your marriage DO IT.  Set your pride aside, forgive them.  You were in love once.   It's better to work through the problems than starting over.  As Joyce Meyer says, "the grass may be greener, but you have to mow that grass too".  While God has honored me with my journey, I will tell you that divorce is no longer an option for me.  If my husband decides to leave, I will do whatever I can to save the marriage.  There is free will and he still may decide to leave, but I won't be so easily gotten rid of.  Ask your husband/wife if there is ANY way to save the marriage.  You see when I left my husband, he didn't even try to get me to stay. He didn't ask me to stay. Because he didn't even ask or attest, I figured it was what he wanted.  What would of happened if he shared his emotions of wanting our marriage to work?  Speak up, take the risk of being vulnerable at the risk of it going no where.  It's worth the risk.  If it really is over (your spouse has moved on), then just remember you WILL be okay.  God IS present.  He will honor your heart and will give you a rich harvest for your obedience and steadfastness.....believe that with all your heart.

I woke up this morning realizing that I have a testimony to share and that maybe God wants me to help others who are going through what I've been through.  This is why I'm posting my story today.  I hope it helps.  I know you can't see into the future, but there is a future and as long as you are trying to seek righteousness, God will deliver you from the Egypt you are in too.  LOVE TO YOU!!! xxoo Darla

The verse I use to fight negative thoughts is, "I take every thought captive under the obedience of Jesus Christ". (2 Corinth 10:5).  Sometimes I still have to repeat this verse over and over especially if I'm being tormented by someone's words or actions or having negative thoughts towards someone.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10

The Parable of the Sower

Sower                                

Matthew 13:1-8, 18-23; Mark 4:3-8, 14-20; Luke 8:5-8, 11-15

The Sower parable is about our heart condition (soil) and how we are responding to the Word of God (seed). Are we going to be unresponsive (the seeds that fell on the path), impulsive (the seeds that fell on to rocky ground), preoccupied (the seeds that fell into the thorns) or responsive (the seeds that fell on good soil)?

I have sown many type of seeds in my 18 year adventure with God.  I think we all start out as the sower where their seeds fell on the path and birds ate them.  It has taken time for me to understand how to “root” my heart into the Word of God.  The bible was so hard for me to understand, I felt like I needed a secret decoder ring to help me figure out what it was saying.  But you know, that was the enemy keeping me from the truth, and I couldn’t tell you when exactly the Word of God all started becoming clear to me, but I will tell you I never stopping KNOWING that it was important. 

I kept surrendering parts of my life, allowing my flesh (sin) to die and giving God access to all my darkest parts and somehow, someway, through the grace of God, the Word became alive.  Now, if someone had told me that 5 years ago, I would of thought, “wow, I want that to happen to me”. You know…I believe God knew my heart and knew deep down I really wanted to be rooted in His word.  It doesn’t happen by accident though.  It didn’t “fall on me”.  I pursued, prayed, studied and kept after God knowing in my heart of heart it was the end all answer to what I needed to be worthwhile to God.  My desire to please God was more important than giving up sin or my time (due to laziness) to study the Word.  I still battle the knee jerk nature to want to entertain myself first and study “later”, even this morning, I almost fell to that temptation instead of doing this devotion, but I said to myself, “God is more important, and when I study His Word, and have it fresh in my mind – it makes the difference in the day of how I treat myself, how I treat others and how useful I am, so I’m going to my God my priority”.   I confess, I don’t win this battle every day (today I did), but sometimes I don’t.  I try to focus on my progress not on whether I’ve “arrived”. 

The bottom line for me is, I don’t want to throw my seeds on the path to be eaten by birds, or on rocky soil.  I don’t want to be preoccupied with the world that the seeds are distorted with worldviews (thorns).  I want to be ROOTED and I want to produce a good, healthy harvest.  For God, for myself, for my family and friends, I want to be “fruitful”.  The desire to bring Glory to God in all the things I say and do (I know it’s a big goal!) is what motivates me to keep pushing through and deepen my roots.

I found these 4 steps in how to make your seeds fall on good soil from a Mars Hill sermon and I wanted to share.  The notes in the parentheses are my thoughts.

• Follow the Holy Spirit (find where the Spirit is moving and be a part of it)
• Hear and hold fast the the Word (really hear it, ask God to help you understand it, ask people who you know understand it for help)
• Have an honest & repentant heart (every time you slip up - and you will - repent immediately to God and to the person you may have sinned against.  Don't let time go by or it will get harder, or you could just plain forget!)
• Cling to Christ w/perseverance and patience (Always, ALWAYS talk to Jesus whether things are good, say thanks, or things are bad, ask for help and understanding.   Be patient, we think we are in a hurry but it takes time for roots to grow so don't give up.

Father God, I thank you for Jesus and this parable.  He gives me a clear picture of what type of “sower” I want to be.  You give me your Word to study so that I may be a sower who sows on good soil (my heart) so that I may be fruitful with this life you've given me.  I thank you for all your grace, mercy and many chances for me to be able to even get this far with my understanding.  I thank you for answering my prayers when I asked for help in understanding your Word when it seemed so foreign to me.  Thank you for opening my eyes, thank you for allowing me to serve your purposes.  Please continue to renew my heart (soil) and allow me to become further rooted in your seed.  I only want to have the heart of Jesus, thank you for allowing me to transform.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.


*The bold words are from Mars Hill Church sermon notes.

Scriptures:

Matthew

13 That same day Jesus went out of the house and sat by the lake. 2 Such large crowds gathered around him that he got into a boat and sat in it, while all the people stood on the shore. 3 Then he told them many things in parables, saying: “A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop—a hundred,sixty or thirty times what was sown.

18 “Listen then to what the parable of the sower means: 19 When anyone hears the message about the kingdom and does not understand it, the evil one comes and snatches away what was sown in their heart. This is the seed sown along the path. 20 The seed falling on rocky ground refers to someone who hears the word and at once receives it with joy. 21 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 22 The seed falling among the thorns refers to someone who hears the word, but the worries of this life and the deceitfulness of wealth choke the word, making it unfruitful. 23 But the seed falling on good soil refers to someone who hears the word and understands it. This is the one who produces a crop, yielding a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown.”

Mark:

3 “Listen! A farmer went out to sow his seed. 4 As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. 5 Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. 6 But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. 7 Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants, so that they did not bear grain. 8 Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up, grew and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times.”

14 The farmer sows the word. 15 Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. 16 Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. 17 But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. 18 Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; 19 but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. 20 Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

Luke:

⁵ “A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path; it was trampled on, and the birds ate it up. ⁶ Some fell on rocky ground, and when it came up, the plants withered because they had no moisture. ⁷ Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up with it and choked the plants. ⁸ Still other seed fell on good soil. It came up and yielded a crop, a hundred times more than was sown.”

When he said this, he called out, “Whoever has ears to hear, let them hear.”

¹¹ “This is the meaning of the parable: The seed is the word of God. ¹² Those along the path are the ones who hear, and then the devil comes and takes away the word from their hearts, so that they may not believe and be saved. ¹³ Those on the rocky ground are the ones who receive the word with joy when they hear it, but they have no root. They believe for a while, but in the time of testing they fall away. ¹⁴ The seed that fell among thorns stands for those who hear, but as they go on their way they are choked by life’s worries, riches and pleasures, and they do not mature. ¹⁵ But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.