Last night I "accidentally" sat at a table with a woman who is leading a DivorceCare class . With her was a woman who is going through a divorce with someone she spent 25 years with. I sat at the table because one of the Pastors I work with was sitting there and I was looking for someone. He quickly introduced me to these two ladies and explained to them that I too have gone through divorce and knows what it feels like.
The one woman going through the divorce mentioned how she wakes up thinking about the divorce and goes to sleep with it thinking about it. She explained how she felt like a failure and she is struggling with what her part was in the whole scenario.I shared a little (and it really was just a small tidbit) of my experience. I shared with her that on the other side of this divorce is a miracle. I look back and I can unquestionably identify my greatest spiritual growth during these horrible times of grief. I told her that she may have been a part of the failure, just repent that she may have and move past that asking God to renew her and show her the parts of her that need to be change. We have to get right with God and then accept the forgiveness and not carry it around with us. This is the part I didn't know about which is why I continued on a path of self destruction. I carried around guilt and shame which made me care nothing about my character. I felt defeated more often than anything else.
My Story
You see I've been divorced two times not just once. The first divorce was from the man I thought I would live my entire life. He had been my hero since the time I was 16. It was devastating when it ended. I prompted the ending because emotionally I couldn't handle being in the marriage any longer. Emotionally I was so empty and had felt so much rejection and had given him so much power over my feelings and allowed his words/actions to define me. You see, I didn't know Jesus intimately, I didn't know what the Word said about how important I was to God. I made my husband God. This wasn't fair to him and it was just a setup for failure for me to be disappointed. His opinion of me, his actions towards me all defined my mental state. I was defined by him emotionally. Looking back, I realize he was just as insecure as I was so you can imagine the roller coaster ride of that marriage. We were together for 5 years when I left. I remember driving up to our apartment, seeing his car and having a physical sick reaction immediately at knowing I would be facing him. If I knew what I know now, that who I am is not how people treat me or what people say about me but what the Word of God says about me, I'm quite sure we would still be married and we would of worked through our problems.
My 2nd marriage was more about immigration than love. The grief and devastation of my 1st marriage set me in a motion of self destruction and a feeling of total unworthiness of which I went out and found men who would validate that unworthiness for the next 7 years! I was having sexual relations with a younger man from another country and got pregnant! I was 29 years old, pregnant and living out in the country completing avoiding the real world. This pregnancy is what changed everything for me. I decided to carry out the pregnancy (in a step of faith due to supernatural events I will explain in another blog story) and my son, Jacob was born. A year later, his father and I decided to get married due to changes in immigration laws (he was illegal). Sadly my attitude towards marriage at this time was "if it doesn't work out, we'll just divorce", Yes, I remember having that actual thought. I wanted my son to have a chance at knowing his father though. The joke was on me though because 2 1/2 year later I came home to having all my husbands belongings removed with no note or anything. He chose alcohol over his family. I thought, "Wow, I really MUST be a loser to not even know how to keep an alcoholic happy." It was this event which was the spark that lit the fire in my heart to seek God with a relentless attitude. To understand who I am in Christ and what that means. I kept hearing it, but didn't understand it. It took me another 5 years of pursuing God and studying His word (and another horrible horrible boyfriend) before I finally was restored enough to enter into a relationship I felt God had set up exactly for me.
I don't dwell on my failures because God has since honored me with a wonderful marriage and children. Yes, I made mistakes, I failed, but I agreed with God this was never His plan for me and I finally surrendered everything to Him and let Him lead me. My greatest fear became about doing what "WASN'T" His plan. I had enough train wrecks, I wanted to experience the fullness of God. I'm sure that God would of honored the first marriage with children and happiness had I been pursuing righteousness and not trying to escape emotional hell every day, however the most important thing that I did was continue to pursue His Word and praying without ceasing and eventually -
I got it!
The difference between my current marriage and the others?? Not the person. I'm married to a more complex man today than my first two husbands although he is a gem. Here's what I have done right: 1) I waited and trusted God to tell me who He wanted me to be with 2) I continue to seek, read, study and pray about being healthy emotionally and to keep God on the pedestal not my husband; 3) I have discovered who I am in Christ as a result of prayer and study; 4) I have learned to LOVE above all things and how unimportant pride and principle is. I've learned to LOVE myself first and to know that God wants the best for me event though I've been a major mess up. He still loves me and still wants me to have life and have it abundantly. I accepted his forgiveness and I don't carry guilt and shame around with me, I left it at the foot of the cross.
Save your marriage if possible
I want you to know that if you can salvage your marriage DO IT. Set your pride aside, forgive them. You were in love once. It's better to work through the problems than starting over. As Joyce Meyer says, "the grass may be greener, but you have to mow that grass too". While God has honored me with my journey, I will tell you that divorce is no longer an option for me. If my husband decides to leave, I will do whatever I can to save the marriage. There is free will and he still may decide to leave, but I won't be so easily gotten rid of. Ask your husband/wife if there is ANY way to save the marriage. You see when I left my husband, he didn't even try to get me to stay. He didn't ask me to stay. Because he didn't even ask or attest, I figured it was what he wanted. What would of happened if he shared his emotions of wanting our marriage to work? Speak up, take the risk of being vulnerable at the risk of it going no where. It's worth the risk. If it really is over (your spouse has moved on), then just remember you WILL be okay. God IS present. He will honor your heart and will give you a rich harvest for your obedience and steadfastness.....believe that with all your heart.
I woke up this morning realizing that I have a testimony to share and that maybe God wants me to help others who are going through what I've been through. This is why I'm posting my story today. I hope it helps. I know you can't see into the future, but there is a future and as long as you are trying to seek righteousness, God will deliver you from the Egypt you are in too. LOVE TO YOU!!! xxoo Darla
The verse I use to fight negative thoughts is, "I take every thought captive under the obedience of Jesus Christ". (2 Corinth 10:5). Sometimes I still have to repeat this verse over and over especially if I'm being tormented by someone's words or actions or having negative thoughts towards someone.
"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life, and have it abundantly." John 10:10
Live in His Kingdom, live BY His power. God does not bless self-reliant people. He blesses people who are submitted to Him but are God - Dependent. God does what you expect Him to do. God doesn't give us what we deserve, He gives us what we needs. The more we depend on God instead of yourself. God can do more in ONE week than we can do in our entire lifetime. That's why it's never too late to surrender to God. 
