My Lenten Journey - Day 8

March 12, 2014

The day I stepped out of my comfort zone and had my first choir rehearsal.  Wow.  I was a nervous wreck.  My husband and I joined the Festival Choir to sing at the Easter Cantata (a word I wouldn't of even know what it meant had I not came to work here).

I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

When I was in high school I tried out for a choir and failed the audition.  I allowed that failure to keep me from singing in front of people (with exception of my kids) for my whole life.  Occasionally my husband would catch me singing worship and encourage me.  My self consciousness about singing grew and grew and grew to the point where it's a mountain in my mind.  IN MY MIND.

The good news is that I've learned that I don't have to bow to my feelings.  That just because I feel a certain way doesn't mean I have to give into it.  So, my love of singing has outweighed my fear of being "heard". Enough so to commit to singing in the Easter Cantata.  I've been practicing for weeks with the CD our Music Director has given me and I have stretched my vocal cords and practiced in front of my daughter who would tell me the truth if I stunk really bad!  She has a natural voice for singing and she believes I can do this.  So from the faith of my daughter and knowing God is with me and will anoint me do this, I'm stepping out of my comfort zone.

There I was seated in between two seasoned choir singers about to sing and realizing both of them will hear me.  I said a quick prayer and did the best I could.  I couldn't really hear myself singing which made me nervous to know if I was harmonizing or not.  I was getting praise from the Music Director but she is my peer and knows I am nervous so I was thankful for her encouragement.  I tried to adjust to my uncomfortable self by making jokes and making people laugh.  Interesting that I do that as a way to lighten my own spirits.  In a way I was humbling myself and setting the stage for people to not expect a whole lot from this new choir singer.

My husband was singing bass and later he disclosed he was as nervous and I and at 2/3 of the way through felt he didn't belong there.  We discussed the miracle on the other side of our stretching ourselves and comfort zones (as well as our vocal cords) and we agreed to keep going on.  To pray and ask for help.

The next day I asked our Music Director how I did.  She said I did great and I blended right in.  That if I was out of harmony, she would of heard me.  She offered to work with me as much as I needed.  I explained to her this was much bigger than singing.  This was about overcoming vulnerability and rejection and I was trusting God to do something great with me stepping out on this ledge.

Today I conquered a fear with God's help.  I will take it a day at time and know that I am not left alone to overcome my fears.  The bible says 365 times "Do not be afraid".  Taped to my computer monitor is the verse:

"I can do whatever I need to do in life through Christ who strengthens me"  Phil 4:3

Father God, thank you for the opportunity to tell Jesus' passion in a form of worship.  Please continue to give me strength of spirit to risk rejection and to put myself out there for all to see in an area I don't feel qualified.  Let you be the qualifier for me.  Let your Holy Spirit take over my voice and sing to You.  Please help both me and Charles adjust to our discomfort and know that on the other side awaits a miracle.  We put our lives into your hands and surrender all. In Jesus' name, Amen.

My Lenten Journey - Day 9

March 13, 2014

This is a busy time of year for a church.  Easter is around the corner.  It's difficult to not get caught up in the hustle and bustle (as is the same at Christmas time) of Easter and miss the entire season.  This is one of the reasons why I'm forcing myself to write each day about my journey.  It disciplines me to not let the days go by just full of tasks and a to do list.  It makes me sit and think about what I learned that day and to make sure and take time TO learn something each day or spend time with someone each day.   If I'm honest, this would be a good practice for me to do every day of my life.  I never want to take for granted my life and miss the "God" moments that are all around me and I just miss them because I"m too "busy".

Today is the first day in weeks that I felt some "workload" lift up.  I almost felt uncomfortable as if I was missing something really important.  I'm so use to multitasking so many different activities.  Maybe it's because for the first time all year I don't have a memorial service to plan for the weekend!!  For whatever reason, it is a blessing.

Beacuse of this light load, I was able to go see a friend healing from alcoholism (and physical effects from it) and have coffee and build on our friendship/relationship.  He called that morning (which is rare) and I immediately called him back and offered to take him to breakfast.  He said "yes"!

I picked him up and we went and had breakfast at Biscuits, a local favorite mom and pop restaurant.  We chatted about the journey he is on right now.  We chatted about how he is trying to keep peaceful in order to heal.  We chatted about the chaos around him that he is trying to avoid being a part of.  For example, the elderly lady he is living with has a son coming into town.  She is very stressed out about accommodating him and making sure he is comfortable and because of this she is turning the whole house upside down in anxiety.  As I listened to this story I thought to myself, "Will I be anxious when my adult kids come to the house?"  It's hard to imagine right now because the kids are the ones MESSING it up right now!! haha.  Anyway, I listened as he talked about how he is trying to stay out of the chaos for his healing sake.

I was really impressed with his ability to discern what was good for him.  He's had a rough last couple years.  He lost both parents in a matter of a couple months and lost his home.  Most people would of given up and lost hope, but he hasn't.  God is his rock and he knows he wouldn't be here today without God putting people in his life that loves him and walks alongside him during the rough spots.

When I dropped him off at his place, there were two cars parked out front.  Two people who wanted to get involved in the chaos rearranging the furniture.  The last thing I said to him was, "Call me if you need an escape!".



When I think of Doug I think of this verse:

"I am strong and of good courage, I do not fear nor am I afraid, for the Lord my God, He is the one who goes with me.  He will not leave me nor forsake me."  Deuteronomy 31:6

Father God, I thank you for my friend Doug.  He has been a generous and uncondtional friend to me and those around me.  He brings joy to people who meet him because of the spirit you put in him.  I ask you to continue to heal his body and his mind.  I ask you to bring peace to his lady room mate regarding the visit of her son.  I ask you to continue to put into his life who he needs.  I praise you for the work and healing you have already done and ask you for wisdom for how I can serve Doug during this time of his life.  In Jesus' name, Amen.

My Lenten Journey - Day 5

March 8, 2014

Today is Saturday and my family and I have a plan to meet my husband's brother and sister-in-law from Chicago area for a spring training baseball game.  What a fun time we have ahead of us.  Family and baseball.  Beer and pretzels.  FELLOWSHIP.  We had a great time at the game, we talked, laughed and told stories.  We didn't watch much baseball.  Baseball was a secondary entertainment to each other.  The sun was out, it was breezy and a perfect afternoon.  Afterwards we went to eat and fellowship some more.  Then we drove to the highest point we know in Phoenix, called Dobbins Point, to look at the city at night.  Beautiful.

It has been a long time since I have seen my husband laugh and smile for long periods, but today was one of them.  Relationships matter.  Our relationships are what fuels our hearts.  It's time togtether that builds relationships.  You cannot know someone without spending time with them.  My husband and his brother have not spent a whole lot of adult time together, but this was a day that fueled more days like today.  This relationship is going in the right direction.  We also celebrated his brother's 5 year anniversary for being in remission from cancer.  Praise God!  We are going to make it an annual celebration.  What a joy to celebrate his cancer free every year with a baseball game and family!  Both my husband and his brother were put into foster care TOGETHER, unlike their other siblings.  They talked about how much their foster parents "saved their lives".  They spoke about what the odds were for them to succeed in life and they celebrated their success and overcoming the odds.  They gave thanks to God.

I leave today knowing that Jesus never meant us for journey through life alone.  We are meant to have relationships with people.  When we block people out of our lives, we also block out love.   We have to be purposeful in our relationships.  We have to be intentional.  We have to INTENTIONAL seek out these relationships and nurture them.  If you don't give yourself away in love, you will never really know what it means to live.

"When I walk in love God is present"  1 John 4:12

God, I thank you for this day.  It was truly a day of restoration between two brothers and two families.  It was a day of giving praise to you and who y
ou put in our lives.  We ask you humbly for more "family" days and for a mind to continually look for ways to reconcile differences and spend time with loved ones.  Help us to die to our selfishness and to be more sacrificial in our love towards one another.  In Jesus name, amen.

My Lenten Journey - Day 2

Thursday, March 6th

"I am your beloved to whom you are well pleased"

In a day where if you stand firmly on beliefs you can count on criticism and rejection, the comfort of knowing that I'm pleasing to God above all else is what I hold closest.

I am a reformed people pleaser.

I was a person who would adjust to whoever I was around in order to make THEM comfortable and ME acceptable.  At the age of 33 I made the decision I would be authentically me, whatever that looked like.  I knew there would be casualties (people who would leave my life because I wouldn't conform to theirs...mostly my family as I had no friends at the time).  I was secretly hiding who I really was in order to win over people and make them happy, thus they accepted me.

The person I was hiding was (and am) a follower of Jesus Christ, yes a Christian.  I chose to believe the Word of God as my authority and power.  I forgave people that my family didn't want me to forgive.  I showed mercy to people who needed mercy.  I stopped judging people.  I stopped being a part of conversations with people who judged others and saying nothing (which essentially meant you agreed). I started living my life as authentically as I was able.  I was in a time transformation.  Supernatural transformation.  What was important to me?  Not money....much to the disappointment and dismay of others around me.  I wasn't going out of my way to be pleasing to others and continually agreeing with them -  for their comfort zones.  I wasn't being politically correct in order to make sure those around me weren't "triggered" or "offended".  Yes.  This was my new quest to find the authentic Darla.  So, here I am 18 years later.  How am I different?  I'm bold.  I'm fanatically a follower of Jesus Christ.  Anyone who meets me will know my heart.  I'm transparent.  I am not hidden and I have no hidden agenda.  I don't feel called to force people to adopt my beliefs.  I make no apologies for my faith.  I will give my testimony if someone asks, but mostly I just am authentically me.  That makes some people comfortable and some people not comfortable.  I can live with that.  

When we pick up the cross and follow Jesus we can count on persecution.     However,God has not left me alone to deal with the rejection but has left His Holy Spirit to help me.  In this Lenten season I am reminded of the unconditional love and the sacrifice Jesus made in order that I may have eternal life.  He didn't deserve to die on the cross, but he did it for me.  I will forever be thankful for that.  He is the model I will follow till my last day, my last breath.  I am not a people pleaser any more, I am a God pleaser...and I can live with that.

Ephesians 1:6
"..to the praise of the glory of His grace, which He freely bestowed on us in the Beloved".


Father, I thank you for your grace and your steadfast love that never ceases.  I'm thankful for your mercy and your forgiveness and for showing me daily by the people you bring into my life.  I'm thankful for the transformation you are responsible for in my soul for being a God pleaser not a people pleaser and how much peace and joy that comes from not placing my value in other people's hands but by letting me know my value by your Word and constant presence in my life.  Please continue to give me the boldness and strength to carry out your will and your purpose in my life.  I am here for you and for Your glory alone.  Amen.